An FTM-Story

Christopher is a transgender man and he is talking about his path to becoming himself!

TW: Miscarriage, Eating Disorder, Suicide.

For me, the feeling of being Trans was, from a young age, made of a collection of separate feelings. Throughout the time,

when I wasn’t allowed to make my own decisions yet, usually a feeling of humiliation was at the forefront. Having to wear the wrong clothes, not being able to play and do what I preferred; being in the wrong social circles... My whole life, I had the feeling not to be enough. to be wrong. Somehow broken. No matter who I met, I always had the feeling that I couldn’t do them justice, while really I just couldn’t do myself justice. I tried to counterbalance those ticks by hyper compensating. Modeling, Motherhood (15 pregnancies, 11 dead children, 4 cesarians, 1 cardiac arrest, 1 bleeding out incl. transfusion) etc. But nothing helped against the growing feeling of being defective. I saw myself less and less in the mirror, felt lonlier and lonlier. Destroyed my body with eating disorders and excessive sports. Tried to kill myself when I didn’t get to the goal. I couldn’t find peace until, riddled by anxiety disorders, isolated, and in conflicts with everybody, I had a serious nervous breakdown. Here it was, the point of no return, and I outed myself. The same people, the same environment, the same job, the same live, but what felt wrong now works. Where I felt isolated are friends now. Where there was humilation, now there is self-worth. My body has completely healed, apart from a few pounds too much on me. I am calm and content and have a family that supports me. It is still a long way until I can see myself in the mirror, but still it was the right way because now I am happy, right, and found my place.

- Christopher