Accepting Yourself

Accepting yourself

Whether you are exploring your gender identity, trying to come to terms with being transgender, transition or de-transitioning, the first important thing for you is to to accept yourself as who you are.

The most important points to keep in mind on your journey are:

What can I change?

When you are challenged about your trans identity or views on the matter, read the situation and ask yourself what you can change?

We often feel that we should set the record straight on certain topics, defend ourselves; but as part of accepting ourselves, we need to “pick our battles” and not waste our energy on situations that aren’t changing anything.

You don’t have to proof your identity to random strangers on the Internet!

Am I save?

When people question you and your identity, is your reply something you can safely say or do you have to fear repercussions?
You might hate the idea of lying or not being true to yourself, but keep in mind that your safety comes first. So before replying, read the person’s non-verbal signs, eg. facial expression, tone of voice, posture, etc.

If you feel that the situation and person are save for you to reply honestly, then do. Otherwise you may want to reconsider.

Who am I turning to?

When you need support or guidance, make sure you turn to somebody who is supportive of you and has no hidden agenda.

For example, if you think about coming out as trans and you ask a transphobe if this is a good idea, do you feel that this is a good source of advice on the matter?

Maybe talk about it with a trusted friend, your therapist, even your GP. Speak to people in the trans community, supportive parents, teachers, or coworkers.

All this is good to know, but what can you do if you keep questioning yourself?

Above all, never pressure yourself! - Take your time and find yourself!

Don’t try to fit in by assuming an identity that is not you:

If you identify as trans, it’s ok to be trans. If you do not identify as trans, that is also ok. Society tries to pressure people into very narrow boxes and sometimes those boxes make sense. We want to feel a sense of belonging to a group. Just ensure for yourself that the group you choose actually fits you.
For example if you were assigned male at birth but are finding female traits in yourself, you aren’t automatically trans or gay or unmanly. Face the world as your fabulous self! But if you do some research and self exploration and it turns out you do identify as a woman, that is perfectly fine as well!

Question other people’s opinions about yourself:

How much does it really matter if somebody agrees with your gender identity? Do they have an agenda when talking against it? Is there a reason for you to listen to / ignore these opinions?
Are those people’s opinions based in legit science or is there confirmation bias on their end?

Do a lot of research and avoid confirmation bias:

Confirmation bias means that you only accept evidence that fits your opinion or thought process. To make sure you do good research, you’ll want to avoid this. Do your best to read from different sources, listen to trans people as well as de-transitioners. Question the numbers you are finding (what are those sources and are the numbers relevant for your specific research?).

Look specifically into gender dysphoria:

While not all people with gender dysphoria are transgender, all transgender people have gender dysphoria. Gender Dysphoria (for trans people) means that you are feeling a disconnect between your sex assigned at birth and the gender you were raised as. There are other displays of gender dysphoria that do not mean the one is trans and you can read more on that here.
So try to determine, if you have gender dysphoria, how it manifests in you and if this aligns with being transgender or something else. A great way to do this is to see a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist and have a conversation about this topic with them. In this case, try to find one who specialises in gender/sex/lgbt+.

Consider age and stage of brain development:

One of the reasons, why extra care and assessments are given specifically to children and teenagers is the development of the brain. There are several times while growing up, during which we go through developmental phases in which we question our place in society, our sex, our gender, other people, and so on.
Think about the “terrible twos” or some times during puberty, these phases are also due to brain development, so this is nothing negative or abnormal. So while we do not want to focus in on “This is just a phase”, at certain ages, we need to make sure that it is in fact not one of those developmental phases.
But this also means that caregivers need to be careful in labelling things as “just a phase” or jumping to conclusions and why it is important to get your child assessed by a professional who is specialised in gender and sex. A specialised professional knows what signs to look for, what questions to ask and in which manner to do so, and they have the scientific and medical knowledge to interpret these.
Yes, there are transgender children and yes there are children and teenagers who are experimenting. These two things are not the same, so make sure to have your child checked by a professional.
If you are a teenager reading this, open a conversation with your parents and feel free to tell them about this website so they can inform themselves as well. And again, don’t feel bad or embarrassed or stubborn. Just see what happens. You can be you, no matter what label you use to describe yourself.

The two main points you will hear:

"You are confused"

Hearing this stings because it is right at the core of your own inner world.

Whether you are or aren’t actually confused doesn’t matter most of the time when you hear this. It is the simple feeling that “How dare you make that assumption about what is happening inside my own head!?”
And very often, what happens next is “No I am not, thank you very much!” which can lead into rushed decisions when you might not be ready yet.

Familiar with that pattern?

Ask yourself why you are letting other people, who do not know what is happening inside your head, have such an impact on your thinking. As yourself why would you argue with somebody or let them push you into any sort of defensive statement.

People have opinion and broad generalisation applied to the trans community as a whole. This does not usually come from facts, it comes from being uneducated on the matter and from upbringing and environment.
You do not have to counter this with “No I am not!” or anything else. You do not have to proof your most inner experience to anybody, let alone somebody who has already made up their mind with a closed statement like this.

Let’s assume that you are in fact confused.

It is absolutely understandable and okay to be confused about your gender identity just as much as it is okay to be confused about other things.
Maybe you feel a certain way and you are trying to find out why that is. You stumbled over the term “transgender” and wonder if this might be the reason you feel this way. Whether you are transgender or not should not be what matters. The only thing that matters is that you give yourself permission to look into it without letting people’s uneducated opinions influence your process.

"You have to choose"

This argument often comes from ignorance. When people don’t understand a matter, they like to make black and white statements, meaning that only one thing can be correct. So even those who are supportive of you questioning your assigned gender or your gender identity, they might not be educated on the matter and try rushing you into something you might not be ready for.

Always keep in mind that:

It’s ok to take your time.
It’s ok not to choose.
It’s ok to learn more before making a decision.
It’s ok to change your mind or retract a statement.

What does this mean in real life?

Let’s say you came out last year as MTF transgender but throught the year, while living female and doing a social transition, you realized that this is not right for you. Maybe you realized that you don’t after all feel you are a woman. Maybe you realized that Non-Binary fits your identity better or that you would actually like to be called by your birth name again.
All of this is fine!
You are allowed to be unsure, change your mind, or start over as many times as you need to make sure that whatever you decide is best for you.